I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
