ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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