Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
