took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We are all done wearing pants today
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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