My room smells like vodka and shame
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
