does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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