was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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