Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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