I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize