you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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