eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
