you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
