ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
