I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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