Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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