You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
