I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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