I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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