Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
