trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
