Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
