woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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