Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
handjob tips. give me some.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
