i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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