If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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