it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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