The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
