Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
be right there i have to get my cape
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
