I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
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