Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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