she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
