On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
