Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Randomize