ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
