Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My life is pants optional.
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