thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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