decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
