and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
