She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
