News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
