hotel room ftw
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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