Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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