i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
