I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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