her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
