mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
