I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
