Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
