I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
