Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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