is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
