I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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