I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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