Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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