I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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